Parenting in Covid19

By Jessica Wilkerson, MA, LMFT

It's been a few weeks of social distancing.  We've been balancing parenting 100%.  

Typically our kids are in school for a few hours of the day, we're at work where we can interact with people our own age who don't really need anything from us.  Adulting with other adults...

There's a lot of focus on how to homeschool your kids through this, but there's not a lot of focus on how to adult and take time for yourself through all this.  Yes, you might need tips and tricks - that's a different article, and you can find a ton of those all of the interwebs.  This is about you.  The parent.  The grown women and men who are also adjusting to this new dynamic, but who also have to be the role models for the young people in the house.

It can be amazing to get to let your kids sleep in when they don't usually get that luxury.  It can feel good to plan out healthy meals and snacks.  It can be fun to scroll through your favorite online shops and justify doing a little bit of unwarrented shopping.  But it can also be exhausting.

Exhausting to be in charge of helping balance all these other emotions and behaviors from humans who are still in their learning curve and are also cooped up.  The kids' emotions are running high because they usually have a little reprieve from their parents and their siblings when they're at school.  They usually get to run around at recess and let off their steam, play with friends who, if they get into a disagreement, they can just stop playing with and ditch 'em.  They aren't used to all this family time without their breaks, and they aren't used to having so many opportunities to test their parents' limits.

Emotions escalate on both sides of the fence: adults and youth.
Behaviors change from both sets of people in the family - looser rules in some aspects along with stricter ones in other areas.

And here is the parent.  Holding down the fort.  Maintaining their own sense of worry about the bigger picture: everyone's health, family finances, their own parents, and regulating their own emotions toward their kids and partners.

So here's what I want to tell you, the parents: You're human.  This is a superhuman situation, and you're merely human.  So forgive yourself from the expectations that you, society, the movies, whoever has put in front of you and allow your humanness.  If you snapped at your spouse or your child, apologize and role model repairing a relationship, and then move on.  Give that forgiveness to your significant other, too.

Ask for what you need.  If you're a single parent, tell your kids what you need and want: "I need you to clean the bathroom while I sit here and read my book."

"But that's not fair!"

"That's okay, there are times where I'm cooking for you, doing laundry, etc and you're playing video games or FaceTiming your friends.  You can clean the bathroom peacefully and quietly while I read.  Put on your headphones."

If you're married or in a relationship, ask for what you need from your partner.  "Babe, I really need a break from the bickering!  Can you take over for the next hour or two while I.... take a bath, go on a walk, read a book in another room, zone out, etc."  Then reciprocate without being asked because they'll probably need the free time, too.  Be a team, even if you've been grumpy with each other lately.  

Try your hardest to take your spouse on a date.  Yeah, you heard me right.

Tell the kids to stay inside (if they're little do it in a way that keeps them safe, they're fast asleep and you keep the door cracked open so you can hear them if they get up, maybe) and then you and your partner go out on the back porch, bundled up in warm clothes, and just spend time together in the fresh air talking.  Go for a walk around the block together, and if the kids have to come then have them walk ahead or behind you so you still get the time together.  Don't complain about the situation or talk about any family tension.  Make plans for the summer or next Spring.  Fantasize about what you'd be doing right now if there was no pandemic and money was no option.  Just bond, you need it.  You're stuck together tomorrow and the next day, too, you need each other to get through this.

Written by Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT

Jessica is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464 in Chico, CA.  She has three kids, a grown son and two little ones, who she's keeping alive each day while also providing telehealth sessions on the phone or video chat.  The little ones stay alive during sessions because her husband is fortunate to work from home during the pandemic, so her clients get her undivided attention.  A little adult-to-adult time for her and for you!  

If you'd like to start online telehealth sessions through phone calls or video chat, please go to her calendar here or shoot her an email here.

Request an Appointment

Jessica while blogging during the Covid19 pandemic. It's not all glamorshots and fancy offices while we're on lockdown in California!