In some of the relationships you're trying to change you are trying to be kinder, less defensive, less offensive, what-have-you. In other relationships you may be trying to have healthier and stronger boundaries. Learning to say no - or standing up for yourself in situations you might have otherwise stood back and felt bad. In these latter examples those relationships are likely going to feel worse before they feel better. Tell yourself, "this is my new normal."
As you precede your internal statement with "this is my new normal" it will give you that extra bit of courage to engage in the new behavior. You're telling yourself that this isn't a new or scary change, but instead it's the first step to the personality shifting you've been wanting to make. Another way to use "this is my new normal" is for your temporary baby steps toward your bigger shift. For example, you eventually want to be able to host parties on weekends spontaneously. You've always wanted to be that social type of person who can just invite folks over and throw together a quick barbecue, put on some music, and enjoy friends. But... the house is always messier than you'd like it to be, you don't usually have quick and easy foods to host with, and getting dressed up is more work than you want to do for a last minute party. The new normal could be that you accept the messy house and your friends love you anyway. You offer whatever random stuff or everyone stops and picks up an ingredient or a pre-made dish from the grocer on the way to your house. You host a party in your comfy-cozies. Self disclosure: I've actually done all of the above. I'm constantly in some state of transition (having a baby, grad school, husband in grad school, second set of late-life children, moving towns, expanding my business, etc.) so trying to have everything just right is impossible. It's actually really enjoyable after the first few disheveled barbecues because you no longer need to get everything just right anymore! The mask has come off! But I digress: The new normal of baby steps toward your big goal here is to take a portion of the big picture and start making that small piece a new normal. Once that small piece feels normal and you feel ready for the next step, you build upon it. This could be that you start buying "just in case" barbeque fixings and you always have something on hand (Tri Tip in the freezer, baked beans and rice in the cupboard). Then you start BBQ-ing more often with just your little family, so BBQ feels casual and relaxed. Once that feels normal you find what your next shift can be: you invite your very dearest friends over who don't expect the house spotless. Then you invite them again and this time you're in your comfy-cozies instead of all dressed up. Once hosting is a little less foreign and feels more "normal" you invite them again and it's last minute (to them). Then you invite them again and it's last minute to you. Then you repeat. So that each small change you just maintain that one change until it feels like it's a normal part of you until you reach your end goal. In this example, spontaneous hosting without having all the stressful parts impeding your invitations. Some will be fun changes (more barbecues - yeay!) and some will be difficult (strengthening boundaries with unhealthy people - and the resulting melodrama from their toxic response to your healthy boundary). But as long as you're making these changes in order to have a happy and healthy life for you, you'll be able to make each change your "new normal." Eventually, the people who didn't like the changes will realize they have the option to either opt-out of your interactions or get on board with your new normal.
This article was originally written on Jessica Wilkerson's personal website on 6/25/2019.
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Inspired Life Counseling
Inspired Life Counseling is owned and directed by Jessica Wilkerson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464.
Office Hours: By Appointment ContactContact us!
Inspired Life Counseling is owned and directed by Jessica Wilkerson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464.
Office Hours: By Appointment ContactContact us!
MISSION: To provide a tranquil and healing space in which people in our community can find calmness internally through the relaxing atmosphere along with respectful and engaging therapy conversations. To contribute to happier and more secure families by helping individuals, couples, and teens heal within and thereby creating different ways of engaging with themselves, the world, and those they love.
VISION: Creating a new kind of therapy experience in the Chico area in which therapists have smaller caseloads, giving them the flexibility to spend more time with clients as needed - longer sessions, phone calls, client centered advocacy. Creating a space in our community where clients can go between sessions just to sit, linger, and re-center themselves when they're having difficult days. A place to belong while they heal their hearts and relationships. A therapy office that embodies the unconditional love of Christ no matter what a person's gender identity, romantic disposition, or previous life hardships, experiences, or actions might have been. To be a safe place.
VISION: Creating a new kind of therapy experience in the Chico area in which therapists have smaller caseloads, giving them the flexibility to spend more time with clients as needed - longer sessions, phone calls, client centered advocacy. Creating a space in our community where clients can go between sessions just to sit, linger, and re-center themselves when they're having difficult days. A place to belong while they heal their hearts and relationships. A therapy office that embodies the unconditional love of Christ no matter what a person's gender identity, romantic disposition, or previous life hardships, experiences, or actions might have been. To be a safe place.
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