Who Can I Change?

By Jessica Wilkerson, MA, LMFT

If asked, many of us might be able to rattle off things that others need to change, ways they have wronged us or thoughts on how they can do things better. We can probably even come up with some things about ourselves that need changing, but few of us respond positively when someone else provides the laundry list of things that they think we need to change.  However, our interconnected relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even the driver next to us on the freeway, can cause us to have interactions, or observe people and internalized things others need to do or things that need changing.  

The prompting and temptation to look outward at others and what “they” are doing and not inward is the message that is reinforced all around us. Media prompts us to judge outwardly with the simple tap of the screen. Reality television put us in the position to judge harshly the lives playing out in front of us on the screen.  These constant messages tell us to focus outward and compare ourselves, but those messages do nothing to satisfy or heal the longings in our own heart or the ways we personally can change or be filled in positive ways.  Looking outward with a critical eye at others or ourselves can leave us feeling angrier, more discontent and ultimately controlled by others.  Giving others our negative attention can so easily and subtlety dictate and control how we feel internally.

Instead of looking outward to the obvious annoyances or frustrations that others need to change, practice inward focus by asking questions of ourselves.

• What I am I doing today to bring joy and peace to myself and others?  
• What am I grateful for today?  
• Are there negative change messages in my life?

As we look inside and pay attention to the source of “change messages”, we regain some power and control in our own lives and take back that negative energy we have wasted focusing on others.  Remember we give our energies both positive and negative to those who earn it or deserve it.  Practice change in your own heart by spending energy on those who deserve our energy, those people that invest time and care in our lives, and who build us up and not tear us down.  This is the most powerful change. 

Terra Forristel, MSW, ASW #83108 - Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker working at Inspired Life Counseling in Chico CA. Specializing in grief, bereavement, and Brain Spotting.

To schedule an appointment with Terra, please send her an email at [email protected], click the button below to schedule her using her online calendar, or call her directly at (530) 771-6556 or the office at (530) 230-9086.

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Terra works under the clinical supervision of Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT #104464