In 1 Corinthians 7:7-9 the Apostle Paul lays it out that if a person can do it, then they should remain single and celibate; and if not, then it is better to marry.  Many people feel a sense of aloneness when they do not have a romantic partner, and then that still, small voice in the back of their mind reminds them of scripts they've heard in the past: "You're not good enough," and "no one will love you."  They begin to focus on the need for a romantic partner and the longing and lonely feeling begins to grow.

We were never meant to be alone, God created us to live in relationship.  He created us to live in relationship to him and to other humans.  He instructed us to fellowship together.  In all his devine wisdom he led us into relationships with each other, even with his encouragement in Matthew 18:20 he is calling us to be together.

Our longing for romantic connection is holy.  He instilled that longing within us, but when that longing over-powers all the other beautiful qualities in ourselves, our friendships, and the other relationships in our lives it because a distraction the enemy uses to pull us farther from the vision God has of us and for us.

Sometimes, learning to heal those wounds left by those internal scripts or the pain from past relationships or family life can help draw you closer to God.  There is less distraction.  

When you are feeling like you're not enough or that you're broken in regards to romantic relationships, please pray, read your Bible, remind yourselves of the gifts of relationship that God has placed in your lives, and seek wise counsel.  

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Jessica Wilkerson uses her heart for the Lord to help guide her during sessions.  Her own value system as a Christian comes into the session while she understands when people are making choices that might sabotage their goals or their relationships, or when they're beating themselves up for missing the mark.

To schedule an appointment with Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT #104464 please send her an email at jwilkerson@inspiredlifechico.com or call her at (530) 994-5114.

If asked, many of us might be able to rattle off things that others need to change, ways they have wronged us or thoughts on how they can do things better. We can probably even come up with some things about ourselves that need changing, but few of us respond positively when someone else provides the laundry list of things that they think we need to change.  However, our interconnected relationships with family, friends, co-workers and even the driver next to us on the freeway, can cause us to have interactions, or observe people and internalized things others need to do or things that need changing.  

The prompting and temptation to look outward at others and what “they” are doing and not inward is the message that is reinforced all around us. Media prompts us to judge outwardly with the simple tap of the screen. Reality television put us in the position to judge harshly the lives playing out in front of us on the screen.  These constant messages tell us to focus outward and compare ourselves, but those messages do nothing to satisfy or heal the longings in our own heart or the ways we personally can change or be filled in positive ways.  Looking outward with a critical eye at others or ourselves can leave us feeling angrier, more discontent and ultimately controlled by others.  Giving others our negative attention can so easily and subtlety dictate and control how we feel internally.

Instead of looking outward to the obvious annoyances or frustrations that others need to change, practice inward focus by asking questions of ourselves.

• What I am I doing today to bring joy and peace to myself and others?  
• What am I grateful for today?  
• Are there negative change messages in my life?

As we look inside and pay attention to the source of “change messages”, we regain some power and control in our own lives and take back that negative energy we have wasted focusing on others.  Remember we give our energies both positive and negative to those who earn it or deserve it.  Practice change in your own heart by spending energy on those who deserve our energy, those people that invest time and care in our lives, and who build us up and not tear us down.  This is the most powerful change. 

Terra Forristel, MSW, ASW #83108 - Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker working at Inspired Life Counseling in Chico CA. Specializing in grief, bereavement, and Brain Spotting.

To schedule an appointment with Terra, please send her an email at tforristel@inspiredlifechico.com

What should I say??? I feel so helpless!!! Should I touch them, hug them, say something or say nothing? Undoubtedly these are some of the thoughts and feelings you’ve experienced when encountering a friend or family member who has experienced a loss. Some of us like touch and find it healing, for others it is painful and makes us feel uncomfortable...  Others need encouraging words, and some need silence. The nature of grief makes us uncertain of what we need or what would make us feel better.  What was comforting yesterday, is not comforting today.  How do we navigate somethings as powerful and changing as grief?  
Grief is deeply personal and unique and yet surprisingly similar. What is profoundly universal is that grief demands to be felt.  It doesn’t ask permission if it’s a good time to grieve, or convenient, it shows up when it wants and sometimes stays longer than welcome.  Grief is that wave that knocks you over like when your back is turned to the ocean.   It can feel unexpected and unwelcome and at the same time be very expected.  Grief is an incredibly powerful emotion that makes us feel deeply lonely at times and profoundly connected at others.  But still, it demands to be felt. 
The biggest mistake we make when someone is grieving a recent loss, is to assume that we can “take it away” or hoping that “they will get over it” or “sharing our story” and hoping it will make them feel better.  We make these mistakes because grief makes us all feel out of control and we want so badly to feel like we can control the intense feelings brought on by intense sorrow.  Sometimes when we are with a grieving friend, it’s tempting to share our story “I remember when my mom died….”.  Although shared stories of common grief can be comforting, and incredibly healing at the right time, it is not normally helpful when the wave of grief has knocked you over, or the grief is fresh and raw.  Grief demands to be felt and it is the cost of loving deeply, and is a precious reminder of the space that people occupy in our lives and hearts.
So how can we support our grieving friends?

• Be present
• Listen
• Don’t be afraid to sit in grief with friends who are grieving
• Let them know you don’t have any idea what they need or how they feel
• Refrain from sharing your story of grief especially if their loss if fresh
• Don’t compare grief
• Keep it simple, by saying “I’m so sorry for your loss…”
• Acknowledge their loss.  Don’t worry about reminding them of the loss, they are already thinking about it.
• Don’t ask “How are you doing?” instead say “How are you hanging in there?

Understanding grief and remembering that it demands to be felt in all our lives might help us to be better supports to our grieving friends.  Terra Forristel, MSW, ASW #83108 - Registered Associate Clinical Social Worker working at Inspired Life Counseling in Chico CA. Specializing in grief, bereavement, and Brain Spotting.

It's been a few weeks of social distancing.  We've been balancing parenting 100%.  

Typically our kids are in school for a few hours of the day, we're at work where we can interact with people our own age who don't really need anything from us.  Adulting with other adults...

There's a lot of focus on how to homeschool your kids through this, but there's not a lot of focus on how to adult and take time for yourself through all this.  Yes, you might need tips and tricks - that's a different article, and you can find a ton of those all of the interwebs.  This is about you.  The parent.  The grown women and men who are also adjusting to this new dynamic, but who also have to be the role models for the young people in the house.

It can be amazing to get to let your kids sleep in when they don't usually get that luxury.  It can feel good to plan out healthy meals and snacks.  It can be fun to scroll through your favorite online shops and justify doing a little bit of unwarrented shopping.  But it can also be exhausting.

Exhausting to be in charge of helping balance all these other emotions and behaviors from humans who are still in their learning curve and are also cooped up.  The kids' emotions are running high because they usually have a little reprieve from their parents and their siblings when they're at school.  They usually get to run around at recess and let off their steam, play with friends who, if they get into a disagreement, they can just stop playing with and ditch 'em.  They aren't used to all this family time without their breaks, and they aren't used to having so many opportunities to test their parents' limits.

Emotions escalate on both sides of the fence: adults and youth.
Behaviors change from both sets of people in the family - looser rules in some aspects along with stricter ones in other areas.

And here is the parent.  Holding down the fort.  Maintaining their own sense of worry about the bigger picture: everyone's health, family finances, their own parents, and regulating their own emotions toward their kids and partners.

So here's what I want to tell you, the parents: You're human.  This is a superhuman situation, and you're merely human.  So forgive yourself from the expectations that you, society, the movies, whoever has put in front of you and allow your humanness.  If you snapped at your spouse or your child, apologize and role model repairing a relationship, and then move on.  Give that forgiveness to your significant other, too.

Ask for what you need.  If you're a single parent, tell your kids what you need and want: "I need you to clean the bathroom while I sit here and read my book."

"But that's not fair!"

"That's okay, there are times where I'm cooking for you, doing laundry, etc and you're playing video games or FaceTiming your friends.  You can clean the bathroom peacefully and quietly while I read.  Put on your headphones."

If you're married or in a relationship, ask for what you need from your partner.  "Babe, I really need a break from the bickering!  Can you take over for the next hour or two while I.... take a bath, go on a walk, read a book in another room, zone out, etc."  Then reciprocate without being asked because they'll probably need the free time, too.  Be a team, even if you've been grumpy with each other lately.  

Try your hardest to take your spouse on a date.  Yeah, you heard me right.

Tell the kids to stay inside (if they're little do it in a way that keeps them safe, they're fast asleep and you keep the door cracked open so you can hear them if they get up, maybe) and then you and your partner go out on the back porch, bundled up in warm clothes, and just spend time together in the fresh air talking.  Go for a walk around the block together, and if the kids have to come then have them walk ahead or behind you so you still get the time together.  Don't complain about the situation or talk about any family tension.  Make plans for the summer or next Spring.  Fantasize about what you'd be doing right now if there was no pandemic and money was no option.  Just bond, you need it.  You're stuck together tomorrow and the next day, too, you need each other to get through this.

Written by Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT

Jessica is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464 in Chico, CA.  She has three kids, a grown son and two little ones, who she's keeping alive each day while also providing telehealth sessions on the phone or video chat.  The little ones stay alive during sessions because her husband is fortunate to work from home during the pandemic, so her clients get her undivided attention.  A little adult-to-adult time for her and for you!  

If you'd like to start online telehealth sessions through phone calls or video chat, please go to her calendar here or shoot her an email here.

And rightfully, so!

It can be a slippery slope when we start to allow fear to creep in before it's time, so I'd like to take a few moments to talk about what we can do in the meantime.

1.) It can be very cathartic to make a plan.  Differentiate what you can and cannot control in this situation. 

• You can control the amount of hand washing you do. 
• You can control your healthy nutrition and vitamin intake. 
• You can control the amount of sunshine you enjoy. 
• You can control how you interact with the people around you.
• You can control your thoughts and what you focus on.
• You can control your activities.

So make a plan to focus on the things that bring you joy and that are within your means to actively engage in.  Do them.  Whenever your mind goes to the “what if’s” redirect it back to your plan:
“Ok, looping on those thoughts isn’t going to fix anything.  I have as much medicine as I think I need and I’ve been getting outside at least once a day.  I’m going to go work on this puzzle and enjoy the little things for a while.  If the bad stuff happens, I’ll at least be able to remember this beautiful day and this puzzle.”
 
2) Get outside.  Even if the weather is funky, go outside and enjoy being alive for a few moments.  Move your body enough to make your breathing labored for about 10 to 15 min.  If you can get a few of those in each day so you end up totaling 30 min, studies have shown that it creates enough endorphins to lift your mood.  I like to imagine that the fresh air is oxycleaning my lungs while the sun is filling my Vitamin D stores like a video game lifebar – zooooom, full!  Vitamin D has shown to have a positive effect on the immune system.  Improved mood and immune support. 
 
3) Reach out for support.  Reach out to the people who you love and tell them you love them.  Reminisce about happy times together.  Fantasize about future plans.  Talk about what you’re afraid of and allow them to give you their ear in solidarity and support.  Socializing does wonders for our psyche.  We were created to live in relationship with others, and when we find ourselves isolated for any reason (social distancing for the pandemic or due to symptoms of depression) our stores of the neurotransmitters that help us handle stress and actualize joy are inhibited.  

We’re biologically created to be social.  If we can’t go out and have lunch, then have a lunch date on the phone or a video call.

4) Lastly, notice the present moment and find something to appreciate.  Feel the way gravity pulls your feet to the ground.  Allow yourself to take a few deep breaths and stretch your lungs.  Look each direction and really pay attention to what happens to be to the right, the left, in front and behind you.  What are the objects there; what colors are they; do they seem cozy or drab? What are a few things about this place or about your life that you really appreciate?  They just make you feel happy or warm.

When you allow your mind to really home in on the here and now, it lights up the part of your brain that can control your thinking and that light-up consequentially tones down the fight-or-flight part of your brain.  You’re not looping in worry or fear during those moments of being present and you have more control over those worrisome thoughts for a little while thereafter.  The more you practice, the longer you have control and the more effective it is (also, the quicker you get to peacefulness – it goes from taking 5 min of noticing to regain control of your thoughts down to 10 seconds of noticing to take back over your own mind.  It’s really surreal how effective it is!).

I truly hope that as you read this article you are able to notice something beautiful about yourself, your family, your home, and your life.  That you’re able to take these tools and find hope and healing during this stressful and scary time.

We can get through this.  Just remember to keep giving yourself grace and being patient with those around you.  They’re just as scared, and scared people can sometimes hurt each other’s feelings.  It becomes a negative cycle of fear and pain. 

If you need an ear, please feel free to reach out.

By Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist #104464

Jessica is social distancing by seeing clients online.  She has a wonderful husband, an adult son who means the world to her, and the two most amazing little ones.  Jessica can't wait to get home to take them outside in the weird weather and get dirty and muddy, and enjoy their "kidness."  Her heart is too full of love.

So much of the inner pain that plagues us is actually a sense of guilt and shame for something we've done, said, or a promise made and not kept.  Our hearts go around and around, reminding us of the shameful thing in an effort to keep us from repeating the behavior.

Instead of walking towards good things because they are healthy for us and will make us happy, we walk toward the good things in an effort to avoid the repeated experience of guilt and shame.  But in doing so, we bring that guilt along with us.  We are going toward positive things while carrying the weight of our wrongdoings, and when we arrive at the destination it seems to pale in comparison with our expectations or with the way others are experiencing it.  

We wonder, "Why is this less bright? Why is it less joyful?  Why can't I enjoy myself the way everyone else is enjoying themselves?"

And you're disappointed.  And frustrated.  And feel hopeless.  It's not fair.

Empathy is the enemy of guilt and shame.

When we keep rolling it around in our minds what we've done wrong and what that means about us, we bring all that judgement with us on our life's journey.  It compounds the hard times and it overshadows the joyful ones.  So what do we do about it?

We let ourselves feel sad about what happend in the first place.  It was a sad thing that this bad thing happened to you or by you.  If we did a thing, and guilt has been carrying with us, then trying to make ammends not only helps to heal the other person, but it fights back that innerself who criticizes our values and worth.  If something happend to us and we feel shame, it happened out of something mean, not out of a reflection of us.  When we think about it being a mean thing, we can allow yourselves to be sad about it.  We can allow ourselves to have compassion for the part of us who has been hurt.  The empathy that follows casts out the guilt and the shame.

As we travel through our lives with empathy for our path, trying to do the right thing, atoning with we don't, and giving ourselves empathy and compassion for the human part of us that fails, it's then that we arrive at the foot of those joyfilled goals and we can see their brightness.  We can enjoy them to the greatest degree possible.

Look within, what's the greatest catalyst to your guilt?  What are you carrying with you that could use forgiveness and compassion?  Start there.  That healing will carry over into freedom within so many other components of your life.

Author: Jessica Wilkerson, MA, LMFT - Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464
Jessica is licensed in the state of California.

To read other articles Jessica has written, please go to her personal blog at www.jessicawilkerson.com/blog

Then come back here to set an appointment with her!
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There's a piece in all of us that can feel dissappointed.  That piece feels disappointed in ourselves - disappointed for many different reasons, but they all add up to a sense that you did or you are something wrong or flawed, and that sense of wrongness becomes this golden thread weaving it's way through the rest of your experiences or self-concept.  You might be able to truly be happy at times or genuinely be proud of yourself, but then there are other times where that disspointed feeling says, "yeah, but..." and it finds the way you could have been better. It discredits your joy.

Some people can see that, honor it, speak to it, and release it.  Those people probably had some wise and helpful mentors along their early journey through childhood or adolescence (real life people or books that had characters who embodied this trait).  That is a skill that's learned somewhere and from someone.

Not everyone had people in their lives to give them the ability to see their own forest through the trees, and they get lost looking at the one or two tall redwoods looming over them, and all they can see are these monstrous giants in their path and the dark of the forest beyond them.  The big picture of who they really are gets lost.

The forest of who they are: the flowering brush, the fawn, the streams of sunlight breaking through between branches, and the rustling of small critters scurrying to and fro - those are also "the forest."  The forest isn't just the two big trees looming over you in this present moment, but it's the sum of it's components: the scary and the glorious.

And so are we!  

We are flawed and we have made mistakes.  We have hurt others and ourselves.  We have been on the receiving end of injustice.  But!  We are also beautiful in our longing for joy and in the way we smile at small things.  We bring calm and love to others and to ourselves.  We have been on the receiving end of generosity and we have generated healing for someone else's sorrow.

Our forests make us, but sometimes it's just so hard to see around those trees and it's so frightening to veer into the forest.  Your therapist can hold your flashlight and walk along side you so you don't have to be alone in the dark with your innerself that you've yet discovered.  Your therapist can illuminate the beautiful aspects of who you are while also holding safety while you wrestle with the inner wolves, taming them.  It can hurt sometimes, it can feel releasing other times, but you don't leave unchanged.

If this is a journey you'd like to take with one of us at Inspired Life Counseling in Chico, please feel free to send an email to info@inspiredlifechico.com or schedule an appointment with the online appointment calendar.

Author: Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT

Jessica is the owner of Inspired Life Counseling and has a License as a Marriage and Family Therapist #104464 in the state of California.  For more of Jessica's writings, please see her blog on her personal website
www.jessicawilkerson.com/blog

Inspired Life Counseling is primarily a place where people show up for one-on-one conversations to heal their hearts, lives, and relationships.  However, sometimes a short "conversation" between an author and a reader can launch a person's healing journey.  In this blog space we hope to provide unique content about our perspectives on various life events and issues.

In the meantime, Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT has her own blog on her personal website.  Please feel free to jump over and read things she has written over the course of the years.  Then, come back and request an appointment to work with her in person!  

​Click here:  Jessica's Blog